Revelations and Confessions

I thought I should write an addition to the post below, because after pondering on it I wondered if,

by my revealing some of the changes that I have gone through in matters of spirituality if that would lead those reading here to believe that I've gone soft on confronting what I deem as the banality of evil in the world, or if I've ended confronting the far left/left, in what I feel is a betrayal of the true precepts of Marxism,

and so forth.

Let me assure you, I have not changed my opinions or views on Women's Rights, Human Rights, or Economic Rights. While I never talked much about my faith while working in the far left political side of things, simply because I walked away from organized religion and was my self searching through my own journey,

but because I, for one, never had any issue with being a believer in Christ and a believer in communism. I did, however, as I've said many times before, have many issues Against the fanaticism and vanguardism, including my own inner conflicts with them even during those times I may have agreed, on some points,

spiritual conflicts but also humanist conflicts, which, I'm sure had a lot to do with why I left working with the far left, politics in general I guess you could say, and branched out on my own.

When I say communism, I mean communism in the term of community, rather than hierarchy. I do not refer to communism in the term of State owned property/distribution, and it is there that I ran into most of the conflicts, but not just there,

but in issues of morality, social engineering especially, and what I saw as this tendency to dis anything human, including emotion, compassion, empathy, sacrificing all that is decent and good for some goal that over time becomes bent, warped, distorted and despotic.

I probably am not putting this the way I'd like,

let me try this again. What attracted me to Marxism, as I read into it was several tenants that I found to be quite similar to the early church. In Acts, in the Bible [New Testament], the church members [just average poor folks] lumped their goods together, so that no one would be in need.

It was voluntary yes, but one point that many in the Americanized [pro-capitalist and esp the prosperity teachings] like to omit from that, is the incident where a couple lied about donating money from a field they sold.

Basically the story is that they lied to God, and were struck down. It was theirs to do what they chose, there was no gun to the head forcing people to sell and equally divide, no,

but there was, obviously some strong importance on this. What got this couple into trouble with God was the deception, deception mind you,

caused by

Greed and Selfishness.

Maybe too, a mockery of sorts...

anyway, you see when I read the Bible and spoke to those I know in the mission field that have, literally given up everything and I do mean Everything, to not just preach, but many of them giving their lives, to help people in some of the most deplorable places on earth when it comes to misery, want, deprivation.

That to me, was what I saw, that Christ called us too, not to be showy in how self-sacrificial we are, no,

because in another scripture it says, you can give all you have to the poor but if you have not love, it is nothing.

Let me interject here quick and say, yes I probably should grab my Bible and quote the exact scripture here but I'm sort of in a hurry, and am just simply writing from the heart.

So, anyway, before I became involved in politics, years and years ago, I had a strong interest in going into relief work. I knew I could combine human rights work with relief work simply because the two are far more related than some may think. It wouldn't be until later when I saw real poverty, and lived in it, for myself, and by that I mean, seeing with my own eyes children suffering and women/girls exploited, etc.,

that I started to ask myself, if so much of what I knew as relief work, was simply just a bandaid to a much larger problem. There, lies the answer I found in studying Marx, Lenin, etc.

You see it was in small steps, I guess you could even say, in small revelations, questions that I found answers to only to find that those answers posed more problems with more questions.

It always came back to, years later, to the question of human nature. That, I feel is one aspect where there is very strong disagreement between the Hegelian dialects and the Marxist [materialist or determinist] dialects, and so forth.

I tend, to think, both have validity, and that they merge...

but you see, the Problem becomes, when people STOP there. Which, I at one time did...

its really easy to see/think in biases, especially when one's views are poisoned with resentment, hatred, bitterness, and hurt,

especially hurt. Pain I feel does more harm to people's thinking when it comes to finding solutions than just about anything. Pain clouds thinking,

and it distorts.

I wonder if its Pain that isn't the seed in revolutions that eventually destroys it?

After I walked away from the far left I started on occasion, with much guilt I might add, reading critiques of both socialism and communism, from an economic viewpoint. While I strongly disagreed with much of those critiques,

I have to say, on many points they were absolutely right. (I came to the conclusion that somewhere there has to be a balance, and that maybe the solution has to do with the mathematical equations in economics that has to do with distribution of resources among many compared to resources held by a few/trickle down, so forth, and that somewhere in the equation with the whole distribution Yet forbidding private enterprise, the resources become limited and therefore later there is little to

distribute? -- or, power becomes centralized and resources are hoarded by that 'pure' committee or dictator while the masses are impoverished with absolutely no hope of ever getting out from under that]

You see what most people do, is they agree with one, discard the rest with total ambivilance. Which is why, for those of us who see good points in both, have a hard time I think in joining with right or left,

and then there is that problem, yes, of human nature. Whether its the individual or group or polituro,

something about the power equation comes in and wrecks havoc. Even in the best utopic of systems [or ideas].

Does this mean we should just discard any hope and just resign to a belief that people are by nature selfish and therefore we should just let bygones be bygones?

Many, or most who BENEFIT from that type of economic system would say, hell yes,

those however who don't BENEFIT from that would say, no. Some say, there has to be a better way...

And I understand both. Well, I don't understand what it is to be ultra rich and powerful, no, but I understand the arguments to both,

there ARE some great things that come from capitalism, no doubt. But, its not just capitalism, no, its Freedom,

that I think has more to do with it, than capitalism itself. Its the FREEDOM factor, and in that I mean, freedom to choose what one does in life [to some degree that is], freedom to earn one's means of living to some degree, at least,

freedom to Dream about it. And to strive for it even if it means failure.

It does however come with a price, and not All that is produced by freedom or capitalism is good, by no means. People use freedom to also exploit, and gain power and to abuse that power,

but here's the clincher,

people can use despotism and terror for the very same thing, exploitation and power to abuse.

Again, it goes back to human nature...

Maybe the flaws of applied communism wasn't the idea itself, I don't think with all sincerity that the idea of no one doing without basic needs is in itself doomed to fail, no,

I think, the failure comes in how thats applied and especially when its by violent force. Because it seems to me in all the reading that it was when the first mention of violent force to not only rip apart and distribute but also, to recreate society/or people in a way where not only was selfishness to be done away with,

but the SELF entirely, and the way to do that, was to take, what capitalism ironically does anyway, making people into nothing but numbers and cogs in the machinery of profit,

to take those numbers, expand them moreso and make them cogs in the machinery of the STATE.

There were no more 'selves' to be concerned with, value of life, meant absolutely Nothing,

any betrayal of love of self or any self-driven [what they deemed that is] ideas or aspirations were considered remnants of the old profit driven class society and therefore, they were to be destroyed.

It became fanatical...to the point where, so many were destroyed Including those with the skills and know-how to Make societies/businesses/agriculture flourish that all was left was those who knew little,

and who desired little. They became, not volunteers like in the early church to give their all and distribute among themselves in an act of love and caring, NO,

instead, they became dependent and fearful of the all powerful STATE. And that state, did not wither away,

it only became stronger, while the 'self' withered away...in gulags, major wide famines [due to no resources/or mismanagement of resources/and killing off thousands upon thousands who Could have in their 'self' come up with ideas and solutions that Worked],

and wars. Wars and conquests of territories and states that were an evil political and yet, social necessity for the very survival of the STATE.

Capitalism is no different, in means, no, the ends, yes, maybe,

or

ARE THEY?

And that is the question that I find myself asking more and more, because with the globalist agenda, that corporatist global empire of capitalist dominance, of slavery, of absolute control over every Number and Cog,

how is it any different than the Stalinist goal of complete power [with him at the helm of course] or Mao's or Hitler's?

Either way, its not individuals coming together for the good of all,

those small groups of individuals that Do actually come together for the good of all are a very small minority and both

capitalist and communist deplore them both.

As well, as theocrats [and which leaves me to this question]

isn't it ironic, that theocrats/theocracy that flourishes and loves slavery, hate of women, enslavement and rape of children, terror and death,

can flourish either in

capitalism or communism?

Therefore I confess, while I may be returning to many of my spiritual roots, I am in no way abandoning my faith in the good in theories, or my faith in the fight/struggle for human rights.

Nor, of my diligence and militancy in either...

Natasha