Revelations and Confessions

I thought I should write an addition to the post below, because after pondering on it I wondered if,

by my revealing some of the changes that I have gone through in matters of spirituality if that would lead those reading here to believe that I've gone soft on confronting what I deem as the banality of evil in the world, or if I've ended confronting the far left/left, in what I feel is a betrayal of the true precepts of Marxism,

and so forth.

Let me assure you, I have not changed my opinions or views on Women's Rights, Human Rights, or Economic Rights. While I never talked much about my faith while working in the far left political side of things, simply because I walked away from organized religion and was my self searching through my own journey,

but because I, for one, never had any issue with being a believer in Christ and a believer in communism. I did, however, as I've said many times before, have many issues Against the fanaticism and vanguardism, including my own inner conflicts with them even during those times I may have agreed, on some points,

spiritual conflicts but also humanist conflicts, which, I'm sure had a lot to do with why I left working with the far left, politics in general I guess you could say, and branched out on my own.

When I say communism, I mean communism in the term of community, rather than hierarchy. I do not refer to communism in the term of State owned property/distribution, and it is there that I ran into most of the conflicts, but not just there,

but in issues of morality, social engineering especially, and what I saw as this tendency to dis anything human, including emotion, compassion, empathy, sacrificing all that is decent and good for some goal that over time becomes bent, warped, distorted and despotic.

I probably am not putting this the way I'd like,

let me try this again. What attracted me to Marxism, as I read into it was several tenants that I found to be quite similar to the early church. In Acts, in the Bible [New Testament], the church members [just average poor folks] lumped their goods together, so that no one would be in need.

It was voluntary yes, but one point that many in the Americanized [pro-capitalist and esp the prosperity teachings] like to omit from that, is the incident where a couple lied about donating money from a field they sold.

Basically the story is that they lied to God, and were struck down. It was theirs to do what they chose, there was no gun to the head forcing people to sell and equally divide, no,

but there was, obviously some strong importance on this. What got this couple into trouble with God was the deception, deception mind you,

caused by

Greed and Selfishness.

Maybe too, a mockery of sorts...

anyway, you see when I read the Bible and spoke to those I know in the mission field that have, literally given up everything and I do mean Everything, to not just preach, but many of them giving their lives, to help people in some of the most deplorable places on earth when it comes to misery, want, deprivation.

That to me, was what I saw, that Christ called us too, not to be showy in how self-sacrificial we are, no,

because in another scripture it says, you can give all you have to the poor but if you have not love, it is nothing.

Let me interject here quick and say, yes I probably should grab my Bible and quote the exact scripture here but I'm sort of in a hurry, and am just simply writing from the heart.

So, anyway, before I became involved in politics, years and years ago, I had a strong interest in going into relief work. I knew I could combine human rights work with relief work simply because the two are far more related than some may think. It wouldn't be until later when I saw real poverty, and lived in it, for myself, and by that I mean, seeing with my own eyes children suffering and women/girls exploited, etc.,

that I started to ask myself, if so much of what I knew as relief work, was simply just a bandaid to a much larger problem. There, lies the answer I found in studying Marx, Lenin, etc.

You see it was in small steps, I guess you could even say, in small revelations, questions that I found answers to only to find that those answers posed more problems with more questions.

It always came back to, years later, to the question of human nature. That, I feel is one aspect where there is very strong disagreement between the Hegelian dialects and the Marxist [materialist or determinist] dialects, and so forth.

I tend, to think, both have validity, and that they merge...

but you see, the Problem becomes, when people STOP there. Which, I at one time did...

its really easy to see/think in biases, especially when one's views are poisoned with resentment, hatred, bitterness, and hurt,

especially hurt. Pain I feel does more harm to people's thinking when it comes to finding solutions than just about anything. Pain clouds thinking,

and it distorts.

I wonder if its Pain that isn't the seed in revolutions that eventually destroys it?

After I walked away from the far left I started on occasion, with much guilt I might add, reading critiques of both socialism and communism, from an economic viewpoint. While I strongly disagreed with much of those critiques,

I have to say, on many points they were absolutely right. (I came to the conclusion that somewhere there has to be a balance, and that maybe the solution has to do with the mathematical equations in economics that has to do with distribution of resources among many compared to resources held by a few/trickle down, so forth, and that somewhere in the equation with the whole distribution Yet forbidding private enterprise, the resources become limited and therefore later there is little to

distribute? -- or, power becomes centralized and resources are hoarded by that 'pure' committee or dictator while the masses are impoverished with absolutely no hope of ever getting out from under that]

You see what most people do, is they agree with one, discard the rest with total ambivilance. Which is why, for those of us who see good points in both, have a hard time I think in joining with right or left,

and then there is that problem, yes, of human nature. Whether its the individual or group or polituro,

something about the power equation comes in and wrecks havoc. Even in the best utopic of systems [or ideas].

Does this mean we should just discard any hope and just resign to a belief that people are by nature selfish and therefore we should just let bygones be bygones?

Many, or most who BENEFIT from that type of economic system would say, hell yes,

those however who don't BENEFIT from that would say, no. Some say, there has to be a better way...

And I understand both. Well, I don't understand what it is to be ultra rich and powerful, no, but I understand the arguments to both,

there ARE some great things that come from capitalism, no doubt. But, its not just capitalism, no, its Freedom,

that I think has more to do with it, than capitalism itself. Its the FREEDOM factor, and in that I mean, freedom to choose what one does in life [to some degree that is], freedom to earn one's means of living to some degree, at least,

freedom to Dream about it. And to strive for it even if it means failure.

It does however come with a price, and not All that is produced by freedom or capitalism is good, by no means. People use freedom to also exploit, and gain power and to abuse that power,

but here's the clincher,

people can use despotism and terror for the very same thing, exploitation and power to abuse.

Again, it goes back to human nature...

Maybe the flaws of applied communism wasn't the idea itself, I don't think with all sincerity that the idea of no one doing without basic needs is in itself doomed to fail, no,

I think, the failure comes in how thats applied and especially when its by violent force. Because it seems to me in all the reading that it was when the first mention of violent force to not only rip apart and distribute but also, to recreate society/or people in a way where not only was selfishness to be done away with,

but the SELF entirely, and the way to do that, was to take, what capitalism ironically does anyway, making people into nothing but numbers and cogs in the machinery of profit,

to take those numbers, expand them moreso and make them cogs in the machinery of the STATE.

There were no more 'selves' to be concerned with, value of life, meant absolutely Nothing,

any betrayal of love of self or any self-driven [what they deemed that is] ideas or aspirations were considered remnants of the old profit driven class society and therefore, they were to be destroyed.

It became fanatical...to the point where, so many were destroyed Including those with the skills and know-how to Make societies/businesses/agriculture flourish that all was left was those who knew little,

and who desired little. They became, not volunteers like in the early church to give their all and distribute among themselves in an act of love and caring, NO,

instead, they became dependent and fearful of the all powerful STATE. And that state, did not wither away,

it only became stronger, while the 'self' withered away...in gulags, major wide famines [due to no resources/or mismanagement of resources/and killing off thousands upon thousands who Could have in their 'self' come up with ideas and solutions that Worked],

and wars. Wars and conquests of territories and states that were an evil political and yet, social necessity for the very survival of the STATE.

Capitalism is no different, in means, no, the ends, yes, maybe,

or

ARE THEY?

And that is the question that I find myself asking more and more, because with the globalist agenda, that corporatist global empire of capitalist dominance, of slavery, of absolute control over every Number and Cog,

how is it any different than the Stalinist goal of complete power [with him at the helm of course] or Mao's or Hitler's?

Either way, its not individuals coming together for the good of all,

those small groups of individuals that Do actually come together for the good of all are a very small minority and both

capitalist and communist deplore them both.

As well, as theocrats [and which leaves me to this question]

isn't it ironic, that theocrats/theocracy that flourishes and loves slavery, hate of women, enslavement and rape of children, terror and death,

can flourish either in

capitalism or communism?

Therefore I confess, while I may be returning to many of my spiritual roots, I am in no way abandoning my faith in the good in theories, or my faith in the fight/struggle for human rights.

Nor, of my diligence and militancy in either...

Natasha

Revelations Part I

I do believe this will be the turning point of this blog...

how should I put this,

OK.

This may come as a HUGE shock to you, but over this past year, I've been thinking a lot, about Spiritual things...the Bible mostly. Yea Yea, I know, foul mouth me with my venting and revolutionary rage against injustice...How in the world could someone like me, even begin to contemplate God.

But contemplate, I have. You see, years, years ago before I became totally disgusted with Americanized 'Capitalist' organized RELIGION, I refuse to say Christianity because if any ever have read the Bible what you see professed as the Prosperity and Materialist religion today is far, far from what the Spirit of Christ is about.

Well anyway, at one time, believe it or not, I used to be a very strong Christian, no kidding here. I didn't curse, I didn't rebel, nada,

well, I did but I didn't like, make a lifestyle from it. I never turned totally away from my faith, against religion and against the church, oh Yes, I did,

but not, my faith in its entirety. I never denounced Jesus Christ.

Because I knew, too much, too much had happened and I saw things that well, there simply was no denying, not for me,

I had felt His presence too many times and I just knew.

So, I kept it hidden, way deep in my heart under huge piles of bitterness and anger and resentments,

not so much at my life, some of it, yes, but against the whole world, more so, against the hypocrisy that I found, to be so prevalent in this world [in religion more than anything].

I tried to separate it, into compartments, its hard to explain but anyway, that's what I did. I became

LOGICAL,

and things had to be about Reason, not faith. So I took up the study of Marxism and Dialectics [ironically, seeing more to confirm faith than to denounce it], I took up science, philosophy, gender studies, even other religions/beliefs.

But through my search, one thing kept coming up more and more and more all the time,

NONE of those, had the core of Love,

or compassion, or grace.

Nor did they have the core of human's need for God.

I do not regret any of my journey because I learned so much, I learned how Christianity has been hijacked just like anything else,

by fanaticism, by hate, by misogyny, by powermongers.

But one thing, that I kept recalling, the early church and writers of the New Testament

WARNED ABOUT THESE THINGS...EVEN BACK IN THEIR DAY.

It wasn't like, all these ills just came about in the twentieth century, oh no,

they were just as much back then, as they are now.

People haven't changed throughout the centuries, not in the least, no matter how modern or evolved we Think we are,

the ills of humanity, of human NATURE, are still there.

Many have called that core of ill, Sin.

I can say, I believe that. Always have,

but, like so many, I hated the 'cop outs', the using Sin as an excuse, the using Sin and Faith and Religion as an excuse to accept the status quo and NOT to change anything,

as if, God had somehow intended us to always live under hierarchies and abuses of power and slavery and materialism and classism and so forth.

But I knew, just from what I read, that none of that was true,

that God wanted and wants so much more from us and that He had intended so much more,

He, by the way, not as He in gender...I still believe that God is not gender as WE define gender.

Anyway, throughout my journey, and especially in the study and activism in women's rights/feminism, which I still believe mind you, a lot of those beliefs,

confronting Patriarchy, that is,

I did have a lot of conflicts with my faith. But as much as I tried to Hate Christianity,

especially when reading other feminist writings about how its Christianity and/or Judaism that created patriarchy/misogyny,

I knew, there was a DISTORTION there. I knew and I didn't bother getting into the whole debates and so forth,

I know if you Read the Bible and take many things literally rather than its spiritual symbolism then yes, it sounds as if God is some male being entity and that there is this hierarchy and that women are nothing but concubines and etc etc etc,

and that -- was how God set the order of things,

Thats how the anti-God folks say it.

But you see, that is where they Miss it,

[religious folks miss it there too]

that ISN'T how it was intended,

that's how SIN turned it.

Sin perverts, distorts, destroys.

Sin is the reason for hierarchy, patriarchy, misogyny, abuses, classism, racism, hate

SIN.

I do believe that there is a Dialectic, a Spiritual one however, that over the years, which each stage of development, through logic and reason many times, that we've, evolved from sin, at least, in a mental assent.

Human Rights, the Abolition of Slavery, the Women's Rights movement, Children's rights,

all of those, including yes, the Poor People's Rights, Equality,

comes from that spiritual revolution. That, mental growth that says, you know, this hierarchy and abuse is Wrong, something is wrong about it, it goes contrary to what lies deep, deep within our hearts,

that law of nature.

People, religious people will say, "Oh, those are the works of man and because they are man's they are not God's will and they are selfish-driven",

sure, maybe they are, because of Sin but that doesn't mean God didn't work through those revelations,

God can speak through a ROCK if He so chooses.

I believe, that God has inspired humanity on so many levels using sinful humans to do so, including using humans that don't even believe in Him.

Even using other religions, not that I think God sits up there and manipulates, no, not what I'm saying,

but what I'm saying is that the Spirit of Truth, is and can speak, through any dark cloud,

and That is where, discernment comes in I believe, how do we distinguish what is Truth and what is Deception?

There is so much spiritual deception and I think, thats where the human spirit/and heart, has a lot to do, which how a human judges what is right, correct, and what is false.

The Bible says, I don't know the exact quote and I don't want to get up but it says that 'there are ways of thinking that seem right to a man but that they are lies, or that they lead man into destruction',

along those lines, that is, it says that. I can look it up later, but it's referring to Carnal, or what they call carnal thinking.

And its something we struggle with daily...between what seems right, and what IS right.

And the really tricky thing is, what often seems right, can look so angelic.

But, the Bible also says, that Satan appears not as some brute monster, oh no, but as an Angel of Light,

as something pure and wholesome.

Which, if you want to speak now logically, can mean, that Evil can appear as justice, as good, as fair, as Enlightenment,

as PROGRESS. Oh, especially Progress,

but there is something, that all of these things, have in common, and this is what I have found, through my journey through rebelling against everything Christian [speaking of Bible here],

and that is, all those Worldly things, though good as they may appear, all lead to Man/or Human [including woman] being gods themselves or not needing God or not needing repentance or humility or especially

denying themselves, not in some physical sense, oh no, but denying themselves to Love another.

You see, it all sums up really simple, to one thing,

LOVE.

I'm not talking about sensuality or about sensationalism or this emotional feel good quick fleeting emotion,

but LOVE in that, Love that lays down their life for another....no matter How awful that 'another' might be.

LOVE doesn't love expecting Back.

Not spiritual love...

I think the closest example to God's love for us is a parents or mother's love for her child. Maybe why, in our modern day world, there is so much hatred for that type of love,

its ridiculed.

Sure it is,

because it just makes sense...IF you believe in a Satan and a God [the truth that is], Satan Hates humans,

he hates God, so of course, Satan hates mothers, he hates birth, he hates Women, he hates children, he hates family,

he hates community, he hates everything about humanity.

And he comes or seeks to Kill, Steal and Destroy,

thats what Jesus said.

I don't think, many feminists understand that Satan yes, hates women with a passion,

Satan is the King of Misogyny.

NOT GOD,

you see, That, That is the biggest lie there is, that its God that hates women,

that its God that put this patriarchy and misogyny into being,

not true. Its the reverse...

Its funny, when I studied Marxism, and Marx was absolutely right when he said Religion was an opiate and what he meant by that was that religion was the Tool [as was told by Machiavelli himself, which has a LOT of influence over Western Civ btw], to use to keep the masses in a state of fear,

of obedience, to authority.

Machiaevelli and Marx were referring to how people will not question matters of class or hierarchy because of deeply embedded religious beliefs.

And what throws people is that Jesus said, to serve, to be humble,

and people take that into meaning, that those who believe are to be doormats, are to be submissive,

But, there is more to it than that...because there is also so much in the Bible that says also,

to resist, to take a stand, to oppose.

Submission Biblically speaking was a Revolutionary act, believe it or not, against the ways of Sin,

in other words, a type of Passive Resistance [like anti-war],

but not passive in this beat down way.

But it doesn't Stop there, by no means...lets not forget, Jesus himself, went in and Threw over the money exchanger tables, in somewhat of a very violent way...

He was no beat down weakling, by no means and neither were we supposed to be that way either.

I think, that the lesson was to fight evil/injustice but at the same time be humble, lest we be tempted ourselves or less we forget that we are just as much,

guilty...

in referring to Sin.

so, anyway, in contemplating all this, especially in these end times and Yes, I do believe, we are in the End times and that what is in Revelations and Jeremiah is coming to pass,

no matter HOW crazy that may seem to you, the reader, that's what I believe, not because I'm some emotional religious wack job, hardly,

but through years of studying things non-religious and studying things that are spiritual, seeing the dialectic at work and well,

I can't explain HOW I see it but I do. Yes I am aware that throughout time there has been end time preachers that have said its now and of course the world goes on,

but dialectically speaking, there are things NOW globally, that do line up with what the Bible says that didn't in all those other times,

including the environmental damage. I don't think its coincidence that even scientists, men and women that don't believe in spiritual things, are saying,

something is going to burst, it simply cannot go on like it is,

global warming, famines, drought, war, Doomsday [nuclear], globalization, horrid genocides and Gendercides [killing off generations by killing off women or by demonizing motherhood and by that, slowly starving those that Are mothers],

something is up...

and there IS a false god, a false religion, an Anti-Christ if you will,

I don't think its a person. I think its a system/s of belief, economic, religious order of some kind, persons/leaders and a system that yes,

will be Global.

I think, there is going to come a time of 'false' peace,

especially in the Middle East and that the leaders who manipulate that false peace will be seen as miracle workers, a false sense of goodness,

and millions will fall for it, hook line and sinker.

It will be PROGRESSIVE to believe and to embrace the New Order,

those who resist [and here's whats interesting, did you know, in Jeremiah, it says that Believers AND Resisters will oppose the Anti-Christ and that I think means, political resisters or those who are opposed to hierarchies/governments, etc],

anyway, those who resist, will be done away with.

And no one will think anything of it because these resisters will be seen as backwards, as probably I would assume, fundamentalists, as bigots, traditionalists, etc.,

as encroachments to progress, as Anti-Revolutionaries, of course,

as those who Love and Want the status quo,

and for some, that may well be true...

but thats how they are going to depict those who do not embrace selling their souls, literally,

to the new messiah, the false messiah, the Angel of Light.

I don't know, if its going to be one leader or a political system, or what have you,

I've read the theories and the different opinions, I don't know, but what I do know,

is that, it will all appear so good, so progressive, but, will turn into the most horrid evil this world has EVER seen,

and what is so horrid about it, is that the millions who embrace,

won't even know its evil, because the Holy Spirit will have left.

Yes, I am coming around, back to my faith...slowly,

at least, mentally, hard to explain, so much I have fallen by the wayside,

so much...on that, I lay down at the feet of the Cross because He knows,

I've not hidden it and He knows what a screw up I am...

I am not here writing this as some religious person or some right person, by far,

I'm still the same ole me that hates so much what I see in the world, that is rebellious like no other,

that is the farthest thing from humble and that mentality of servanthood, is so far from me,

and I will sit here and tell you when I confront or run into what I term as those goody two shoes I cringe,

because I think they are so damn fake.

God knows what I am so why hide it and why try to be something I am not?

Don't get me wrong...I do work on so many things and lately I'm working on my foul language [I'll have to write about that] but I have years of anger to work through...

and Why I'm changing on so many things is NOT so I can become some I don't know how you term it,

or because I'm all wrapped into that do not do this and all that other Legalism, I can't stand legalism,

or Religion for that matter.

No, its about not being apart of that poison...or letting that poison work through me,

I had an epiphany about that yesterday, about language...not in the way you might think,

but its something I had never thought of before, well,

heck, I'll share a little now.

I have had two long term relationships with men, who were/are very, very abusive, like Vampires,

you know, and I never realized it but over the years dealing with their verbal and horrid abuse/vulgarity and misogyny, first time by turning inward and that was when I was younger and yes, a doormat,

but later one, the second time, by fighting back,

but you know, something about fighting back and becoming harsh yourself---you're still constantly in that state of fight.

You may be throwing it right back at them [verbally or physically, doesn't matter] but you are still having to reflect off those verbal/and or physical barbs, like,

picture arrows coming at you...you can throw up a shield and even throw arrows of your own but eventually you'll weaken,

your shield will be dented and so forth.

Over time, you become a vessel where those arrows simply just go through, or you pull out those arrows and throw them elsewhere...

but those arrows are still poison.

Its draining on one hand and on the other, its like you become, through fighting that is, a channel, for their arrows...

thats how language works.

Well, anyway,

vulgarity works that way...women I think now a days have a real problem with it because in taking up [and it doesn't necessarily have to be vulgarity it can be just the terms or things one says or an attitude, etc] but in taking up that shield and what We discern as power,

[which really isn't power, its abuse of power],

but in taking up that and fighting back, deflecting those abuses,

its consumed us to where, like with so many other things, it becomes yes, a part of us and we begin to channel it as well...

maybe not intentionally but thats how Vampires work,

seriously, spiritually speaking that is. Thats how misogyny works, how classism works, racism,

you can't not be touched by it in some way...and its a daily fight.

anyone who says differently is simply not awake and aware spiritually.

Thats all for today,

where I go from here I do not know....

still reading Narnia, really good book btw and its funny, there is NO way, one could say that Lewis didn't use Christian symbolism,

any who say that,

have simply never read that book. Because its just So there,

next on reading agenda, is Lord of the Rings and another, by Tolkien.

Natasha